Saturday, June 23, 2007

The Toddler’s Guide to Summer Vacation: The Bathroom Amusement Park

Summer is here! All the Blue’s Clues are reruns and it it’s too darn hot for Mommy to drag herself off the couch and play with you outside. So as a healthy, active toddler you need to have options. Your parents may be planning a summer vacation for the family, but it will probably be filled with long rides in the car, pinchy-cheek family reunions and other things that are “good for you” and not any fun. What’s more fun is creating your very own playland, all from the comfort of your own bathroom.

First, there’s the “big potty” itself, with all its cold, splashy water. It’s a perfect home for your rubber duckies or Mommy’s cell phone. For added fun, make sure the big potty is unflushed before stirring it with your toothbrush. The big potty is also ideal for sticking any body part into. You can wash your hands in there. When your Mommy no long finds that quite as horrifying as she did the first time, you can stick your leg or face into the bowl. But there’s more to the bathroom than just the big potty.

There’s also the toilet paper, all glorious and white on its easy-to-use roll. What better way to spend a hot summer day than unrolling the paper as quickly as possible? While you’re at it, go ahead and wrap it around your feet a few times so that you fall when you try to walk and hit your head on the bathroom floor. If falling down and getting a little sympathy lovin’ isn’t your thing, you can always settle for eating the toilet paper or seeing how much of it will fit into the toilet bowl and then retrieving the wet, sopping mass and throwing it on the floor.

Finally, and most importantly, is the potty chair. Which brings us to the only rule in your bathroom wonderland: You must never, ever go pee pee on the potty chair. A lot of fun can be had telling Mommy that you need to go potty. You can even mean it sometimes (but really only sometimes or it’s not quite as amusing). The important thing to remember is to hold the pee pee inside until Mommy gets your diaper off and sets you on the potty. But don’t go yet. Make sure to find a reason to get off the potty before you go pee pee. Perhaps you can cry because last time you used the potty chair, it played music and scared you. Or maybe you can simply get distracted, wander off and refuse to sit back down, thus turning potty time into a prime opportunity for power struggle, which you know Mommy doesn’t want for fear of scarring you for the rest of your life. Possibly the most effective way would be to have Mommy’s phone ring while you are on the potty chair so that she turns her back, thus giving you ample time to get off of the potty chair and go pee pee on the newly-mopped bathroom floor. A word of advice: It is always a good idea to go pee pee near the potty (but never on it unless the lid is closed), so as to give Mommy the impression that you understand enough about the potty chair for her to keep scooping you up and scurrying you in there every time you coyly call out “Potty.”

Options for the bathroom are myriad, don’t forget about the laundry hamper, the scale and, of course the trash can. The important thing to remember is that the amount of fun you have will be in direct proportion to the havoc you can wreak.

It is our hope that this guide will provide you with all the information you need to begin your summer of fun.

Stay tuned for Chapter Two:
The Under-the-Sink Chemistry Set (You can eat it, too!)


spaghettipie said...

As usual, you totally made me laugh - partly from your writing and partly because I know it's true! Keep it up.

Llama Momma said...

Okay, I've been lurking on this "secret" blog for awhile now, but have to come out of the closet to say this is so stinkin' funny. Seriously. Publish this...somewere!!

Karen said...

This is great! I liked the other one too (black socks, ha!), bu this one kept me laughing the whole way through.